I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
