Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
