Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
