dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
