you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
