It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
