Soap is not a condiment
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
