last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
