I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
