I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
