If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I think I just sharted jello shots
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
