Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
