Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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