Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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