Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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