Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
