I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
