Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
