You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
