There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
