why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Oh god it's open bar.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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