i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
