last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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