I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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