I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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