Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
