WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
