I can text with my tongue
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
