I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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