I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
