My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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