he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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