the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
