you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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