dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
