i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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