I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
