3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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