I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
