Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
