I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
