I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
