I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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