You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
