just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
