so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The air was thick with penises
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize