I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
