I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
