so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Text me some of your sweat
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
