I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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