wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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