So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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